Under the hood: a perspective on step-parent-hood

According to Census, there are 30 million stepparents in the US. 

Born on the MS Gulf Coast—many younger bros and sisses care for their little nieces and nephews while their parents work—I was one of those sisses. So, being a parent—god forbid stepparent, was never on my list of to-dos or aspirations written in a journal.  

But it happened. 

In 1993, after finishing college in Dallas, I was excited to get my first “real” job. I became a controller, in my case, a head cashier 🤦‍♀️ for Sound Advice, an AV/car stereo electronics store in St. Pete, FL. 

One day at work, a 2-year-old sporting a boy-band haircut stood on two carefully stacked speaker boxes to reach the controller to play the Sega Genesis game center display. Although adorable, I wondered where his parents were—this is not a daycare, and he’s not my nephew! 😎

He was the son of a car stereo guy I already had my eyes on. 😍 After years of being strapped to my nephews—being involved with someone strapped more permanently was not a relationship I wanted to consider.

But, as I preach, you can’t help who you love. 🤷‍♀️ After making our relationship official, I officially attended playdates with my eventual husband and his 32-month-old son.

Surprisingly, my relationship with a single father fast-tracked, and it was necessary to make this kid like me. It’d been years since I interacted with anyone younger than 19. It was new for the kid, too. 

We made small talk. I’d ask the kid questions like his favorite color or cartoon, and he’d ask me, “Where is mommy?” Our convos would move from singing Barney’s Clean Up song to him asking me why his Mommy and Daddy weren’t together. 

This kid needed someone to talk to, and I wanted to listen. 🙋‍♀️ At that point, I realized to become someone special in his life, I had to become his trusting friend and loving caregiver.

Strapped in a future strapped by the past.

Turns out, the kid was not the hardest to win over. Aside from having him go outside to turn a TV antenna for a better connection (sorry Boog!), I treated him as I did my nephews, and it worked! 

I changed his diapers, cooked him food, laughed in conversations, played games with him, ensured he felt safe, tucked him in, hugged him, and eventually told him I loved him! He told me he loved me too!

However, his barely 21-year-old, seemingly shunned, empty-promised mom challenged me—ok, she put me through the wringer! She was my complete opposite. She made sure I knew she was the mother of his son. I made sure everyone knew I saw her as a desperate teen mom irresponsibly giving up her future, which worsened things. 

The estranged relationship between mom and dad gave the kid and me stress, drama, and lost time. Thrust into being designated liaison, I tried making friends with her—but it didn’t happen. 

Both sides of the kid’s grandparents rejected me. Maternal granny shouted me down in front of the kid—her 6-year-old grandson. Paternal Gram treated me like a homewrecker who’d taken away her chance of having an only daughter, who happened to be the mother of her first grandchild.

When never becomes for-ever.

Odds were against a successful relationship transition when an innocent kid craved his mom and dad to be together. Both extended families demanded that an accidental pregnancy be rectified with a false relationship, which created more strain.

It hurt. I was lost. But I loved my guys; they loved me, and I wasn’t going anywhere. My guys and I understood we’d established a relationship that involved the three of us. We created a family. 👨‍👩‍👦

Little did the extended family amateurs know I’d seen worse times, so I ignored them. I built a wall. I judged as I was judged. 

Years passed; I became a legal-through-marriage stepparent, and the extended paternal family NPCs realized that love, family, and relationships couldn’t be pushed. After differences were set aside, paternal grands and I formed a friendly relationship and an eventual family bond. 

Do I recommend legal step-parenthood? 🤦‍♀️ No, here’s why.

Being a legal stepparent has actual ramifications and responsibilities. 

1.  Stepparents never come first in the relationship. And, in many scenarios, if you’re a caring, committed, diehard stepparent, you accept the duty of being the punching bag—not in the literal term, but emotionally and mentally. 

2.  In today’s world, an “uncle” may become a step-grandparent without awkward questions—or someone dating a bio parent may accept the role of a stepparent. The meaning of a stepparent gets muffled as the years pass, so why even legally become one?

3.  No matter the lessons, morals, or inspirations you teach as a stepparent, they seemingly have little influence on the end result. And, when or if the relationship between bio parent and stepparent ends, the relationship with the kid, in many cases, ends too. 

In the end.

Through endless manipulation, heartbreak, and unnecessary lost time, my stepparent status continued. The kid who penetrated my heart is someone special to me—and our relationship is a cherished bond that will last forever.

The most important takeaway from being a stepparent to this kid is that with the love that grew from our “step” relationship, I knew I was ready to become a bio parent. If I loved someone else's child this much, I imagined my love for my own child would be like no other!

The kid showed me how strong unconditional love is and how special a parent-child bond can be, no matter the chaos around it. 🥰❤️🥰